mymeaning

i would have to add kicking slurds of my car wheels,
and the smell of fresh laundry to my favorite things!

I used to write in a journal, haven't in a long long time, but I was flipping back through its pages, mostly nonsensical writings and ramblings - but I had written

I first wrote in my journal to leave my indelible mark on its pages, so I would never be forgotten and so that I could believe in a sense that it was made for me.

I don't even know when it was written or what I was feeling ... I wish I did.
who would have thought that I would ever have anything worthwhile or important enough to say that I would post it online ... what a joke. I feel like the most unlikely person to do something like this ... and my reasons are purely ridiculous. I figured by having an outlet to write would justify some sort of meaning ... who knows.

"People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway."

Bishop Abel Muzorewa

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems 
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way 
he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and 
tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, 
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life.”
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's 
mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, 
I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch 
someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will 
forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them 
feel.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.”
 -Maya Angelou

At this time in my life,
I can only be sure of two things: that I am so loved and that I am so blessed by my father in heaven. Although the future does not seem certain and is often terrifying I know that my family will always be there cheering me on. And that no matter what, this path that I am on has already been decided, no matter how often I screw up or make bad decisions this path remains virtually unchanged. I know that I am unfaithful and that often do not deserve the faith, grace and forgiveness that I am given for just believing. That unquestioned love takes my breath away. I feel as though I am often unsure of myself, not sure what to do, fumbling at every turn, then I pray or as for peace of mind and serenity. It comes to me. I am not deserving of the love that is so freely given to me. I have never wanted for anything, no earthly possession or the knowledge that there are many who are so proud and love me unconditionally. I am healthy, rich in so many ways, loved by many, and love.
I am on the verge of graduating from Trent University; I am finished in less than 10 days. This part of my life is over, this path is ending and it is so bitter sweet. Reflecting on the past can often get me into trouble. I wonder if I made it all worthwhile, these four years. I think that for what it is worth, these four years have defined part of me, all those who I crossed paths with, to those that became good friends, to those who became like sisters. I love them all so much, each differently but so much. I had come to Trent with these great expectations of finding something wonderful, and at the time I do not think I knew what that ‘wonderful’ was going to be. It has taken me almost four years to realize that the wonderful was finding two wonderful women to live, understand, grow with. To become frustrated, confused and ultimately angry at myself. No matter how difficult some days were and no matter how difficult I was, I do not think that I would change one thing, some days I thought that maybe it would have been better not to have lived with Dana and Marion, I thought that if we had lived apart we would not have fought and I would not have closed myself off from them. I don’t think that anymore, funny how in the last year of university I have finally figured things out.

Bah … so the last time I was on this bus I wrote that, it is now June 10th and officially I have been a university graduate for 8 days. I graduated on the Presidents Honour Roll last Thursday June 2nd 2005. Along with over 1400 people I graduated and became one of the few elite (less than 10% of the worlds population). Of course, convocation was an amazingly beautiful day, and very warm. It was at least 30 degrees and wearing those Trent colours with pride, I sweated profusely and convocated all grace and smiles. I am sure the pictures will be amazing. I guess now that it is over things have calmed down again for the summer, all that waiting and expectation finished in three short hours, it somehow seems anti-climatic, four years of tears, sleepless nights, caffeine induced mornings, crazy laughter and amazing people everywhere over. The hardest part was saying goodbye, I told myself that I would not cry about it, but here I am 9:40 on Friday night with many strangers caught on a Greyhound bus silently crying and perhaps mourning the loss of two of my best friends. I guess loss is not the best word, I haven’t lost them, instead we have moved in different directions. It is difficult spending four years growing with people and learning to love everything about them and then in a blink of an eye have that gone, hopefully not forever, but changed and transformed into some form of a long distance relationship. That scares me.
The summer has begun and I have set foot onto a new path, one that I have never traveled before, one that I am scared to travel alone. The prospect of starting anew at another school with new people makes me feel small, its that same feeling we had going into grade 9 or moving day in first year. I hate to admit it but I am lost and right now I do not want the summer to end. I have the perfect job … I work for Trent University in their Physical Resources department, as a painter. It is not the most glamorous or stimulating job, but right now I love it. Every morning I get to bike to work and take in the beauty of Peterborough’s bike paths and go to work with two amazing women who I both cherish and admire. Although we seem like an unlikely trio, we paint side by side, mostly enjoying each other’s company and conversation. We are unsupervised and largely our own bosses, which this year has allowed for many impromptu dance parties, chatting sessions and naps.
Tyler and I have been together for four months last weekend and I sometimes find it hard to believe that it has been so long, and even more exciting that every moment I spend with him, I fall in love. I have never been in love, not like this. I think in the past I fancied myself in love with boys that had no clue I existed or was in love with the thought of being in love. But being in love with someone, instead of a dream is something wonderful.
He is so caring, thoughtful and wonderful, I think that any adjective would fall short and do not describe what I feel, and I guess somethings are better left unsaid and left within your heart and soul. I never thought that I would find someone who would feel the way he does about me, I often sit in awe of it and despite my reservations I believe that this relationship and my love for him was a gift from God, all those prayers and wishes have been answered (however silly that sounds). Seeing him with my family has been amazing and well gives me butterflies in my stomach. I guess the whole thing is just lovely.
I am going home for the fourth time this summer, I am not sure what it is, must be something to do with the transition, but I have been craving my family, everything about them, their love, laughter, bantering. I find myself missing my Mom’s hugs, Julies glares, Dad’s opera singing and Conrad’s surliness. Even Bo and Kelly I miss them too. When Mom gets all teared up and says she is glad I am home, and glad that I miss my home, I cry. The last time I was at home was for Julies Birthday, and I mentioned to Mom that I missed being at home, and she looked at me and said that she was glad I still thought of it as home. I guess they are both realizing faster than I am that soon I will be moving on and that my childhood home will no longer be my home. It’s hard to believe that less than 4 years ago I was still living at home. I think that no matter where I go, when I think of home it will always be where my parents are, it will be the corner of Shea and Fallowfield. Home will always invoke images of bbq’s, free flowing beer, lawn chairs on the deck, Allison, Tyler, Nathan and Aunt Wined, Uncle Pete, Conrad, Julie, Kelly, Bo and Mom and Dad. Sunny days, the smell of dirt and grass and the birds, the sounds of hundreds of birds demanding their dinner. The uncontrollable laughter from my Mom and my fathers smirks. Conrad’s loud and often foul mouth and Julies quiet observing eyes. There is so much that I am afraid to leave and even more afraid that I will take for granted. That someday my family will become less important than it once was. I never want that to happen. How would it be possible to forget all those memories, it would be impossible not to always want to go home.
I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do. This Sunday I turn 23 and it amazes me and many of those around me how naïve I am. I probably will always be that way.

In one week today, I will be moving to Kingston. So much has happened since I last wrote anything here. Its August 24th sometime in the evening – and for a change I am not on a bus instead nestled into my bed while a cool breeze drifts lazily through the window. Tomorrow is officially my last day of work and I guess that really is the final chapter in the Peterborough era of my life. I am not sure if I can find the words to describe how this move will feel. This summer lots of things have fallen apart, but with comfort, help and prayers I have made it though. Jo and I barely talk anymore, and honestly I am not sure why I think we have really just transformed away from eachother and I guess my seeing Tyler has not helped. And I don’t understand why. August has been a difficult month, more so for my Mom than myself, both Conrad and Julie are moving away and Dad is going to be traveling a lot. But, on August 7th Oma Dullemond passed away and I cannot even express the pain and loss that I felt when she left, I think mostly because it happened so quickly and that I didn’t get to say my last goodbye and tell her that I loved her so much. I can still see the lost look on her face and the tears that would well up in them when Uncle Pete would give her hug. Or when we had to say goodbye at the end of the last wake. I don’t think there is anything more heart wrenching then watching my Mother say goodbye to her mother. I can almost feel the sobs bubbling up in my throat again and the burning sensation that happens when I tried to suppress it. Or the tingling and stuffy feeling that takes over your eyes and nose when you shed such tears. It had been 8 years since I lost someone that I loved that much, Opa Dullemond and the hurt just came flooding back so quickly and raw. I can’t even write this without tears pouring down my cheeks and into my lap. The funeral was beautiful and such a celebration of her life, her tombstone is going to read “Want ik weet: mijn Verlosser leeft, en Hij zal de laatste over het stof opstaan;” – Job 19:25 and it really symbolizes the way she lived her life. Aunt Connie wrote her eulogy and it was beautiful and captured her essence and life. Oma’s family and her father in heaven were the two things that she lived and breathed for. She would always make us these amazing socks at Christmas – and hide in the toe a five-dollar bill and our very own chocolate letter, her raisin bread and meatball soup, or the way she would cluck her tongue when she did not believe what you were saying. How Mom and I would visit and she would look at me in awe and ask every five minutes how old I was … all those little things that I will miss so much. Much like I miss Opa’s shaking voice when we would pray before each meal. I guess with her passing, the family is now without our thread, because she was the one thing that kept us all together for so long.

Well I am in Kingston, and have been here since the 30th after settling in for two days all the boxes and bags are unpacked and my room is starting to look like mine, I think Oma and I are still getting accustom to each other but so far the transition has been easier than I thought it would be. It is a little bit lonely here without any friends or Tyler near by.


Sometimes a little inspiration is all you need. Sometimes you just need to know that its ok to say "fuck it," whether or not you actually do. Its nice to have the option and not feel completely doomed. Where, oh where, is that dazzling spot, where I can live as I should and do what I am supposed to? Its ironic that with my attempt to live with my every pore and every breath, it leaves me often feeling burned out. Yes, we all have heard it, the moral of this story, 'less is more.' But I don't want less! I want to experience everything. I want to see everywhere and meet everyone, know everyone. I want to climb every peak and swim to the bottom of every ocean. I want to laugh, scream, cry everywhere and with everyone. And most of all, I want to do what I can for...for 'the cause,' for 'them,' for 'us,' for everything. I am not really sure where this has all come from these past two months have been unbelievable painful, and the worst part is that I know i’ve been pushing Tyler away … there is only so much that one person can take and I may be too much for him. And it breaks my heart. (03/11/05)

At this point I am just trying to breathe, I have phenomenally messed things up, Tyler told me he does not love me the same anymore. I have been such an amazing fool, part of me has known for a while. God it breaks my heart and I don’t know that I will be able to walk with my head held high for a long time … the one thing that made me truly happy, I felt beautiful, sexy, meaningful, important and complete with him and all that is gone – he looks at me with pity and disgust almost, I could handle the way he looked at me changing over the past few months but this was unbearable – like there as nothing left. I am afraid of him leaving, afraid that he will love other people and not me, afraid that I will never fall in love again, I am afraid to be alone in this harsh world, I am afraid that I will never feel truly alive or happy again.
And here I am punishing myself by looking at us, in pictures. He says I always look happy looking at pictures of the past, but he has never seen me look at pictures of us, I can never wipe that silly grin off my face I was so proud to call him mine …

So I might be a bit emotional, lived through hell for about a week, thinking that I was in an ending relationship, that he didn’t want me anymore, thinking that what had been said on Sunday night was finite. Anyways last Friday I went to Tyler’s house to visit him between classes and we got to talking about a letter that I sent him. I didn’t want him to read it, I had written that I was so proud of him and I was excited to spend forever with him, of course I felt utterly foolish for writing those things and then having his true feelings come to light afterwards. Anyways to make this less painful and short I told him that he should give me the letter back because it was no longer relevant. Anyways, what happened was we actually started talking about what had happened and he said that what was said had been said in anger and that he didn’t really mean it … ugh can I just say that I have cried enough tears since moving to this city to fulfill a lifetime of sorrow. I don’t know why I always make problems into huge manifestations of everything that I feel, and ultimately make them into larger and more intense problems than they should have been in the first place. For better or for worse I am too sensitive and love that man.

FUCK THAT
I won't be with someone that doesnt want me just the way I am. fuck it

so this is very premature ... but there is nothing wrong with dreaming
so here it is ... this is way to big for me but i like the inset diamond

i am enjoying this song way too much and im a sap for it - here are the lyrics for snow patrol, chasing cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
but not enough
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all


more on the wish list


This one is called Laverne from Horny Toad (http://www.hornytoad.com/)



And these Birks - Boston, the felt ones of course

Beautiful stuff is a weakness ...




this purse is called Henrietta from Jack and Marjorie (http://www.jackandmarjorie.com/)
they use military surplus materials like wool blankets, ground sheets, parachutes to make their purses, scarves ...




this neckalace is from Loewestamm Wooden Jewellery (http://www.woodenjewellery.com/), its called Amazonia (III)

I'm trying to understand the whole 'Afghanistan War', and Canada's involvement in it, and I find myself underinformed. I'm trying to find answers to the questions "Why are we there?", and "What is the point of our mission there?". And I don't mean that in a frustrated, let's quit, "ahh, what's the point of even trying", I mean, what is the point, the ultimate goal and objective of our military presence in Afghanistan?

Can someone simply explain it to me, or point out a good resource. I think I understand the basics of it, but I'd like to make sure I'm not missing something.

There is much debate these days, across the media and political spectrum, as to whether Canada should even be involved in this mission, whether we should be withdrawing our troops. Before throwing in my two cents on that one, the way things are presently, I'd like to know a bit more.

We're obviously not there in an entirely peace-keeping role. We're not just working in humanitarian efforts - building schools, infrastructure. We're hunting down and killing the Taliban. We're being shot at, targeted, blown up by suicide bombers (suiciders - as GWB calls them), and even accidentally fired on by our own allies. This is the stuff you see in the media every day. This is what's happening. I want to know why it's happening. Why are we there? Why should I support our troops staying there? Why should I support withdrawing our troops? Do we have achievable goals - or are we fighting some open ended, unwinnable 'War on Terror'? Is there a plan for leaving - when certain goals have been accomplished...

If you know the answers to these questions, or where I can find them, let me know. Thanks. I normally would like to think I'm well-informed, but for some reason I feel like I'm missing something on this issue.

I sincerely hope we're not just in Afghanistan fighting a battle that the Americans started post 9/11, in the search for Osama, and then abandonded so that they could go after Saddam and his oil. I sincerely hope there is more to it than that.

I love this time of the year. There is a certain fresh crispness in the air. The leaves are changing colours, with deep reds, yellows and oranges splattered at random throughout the forests.

I walked around some parks this morning and on my way back home the sky was blue, the sun was shining, and the colours were brilliant. I stopped a couple of times on the side of the road just to take it all in.

I'm an appreciator of art. I'm not a critic. I can't tell you why or why not something just 'works', but I think I've got a pretty good grasp on what's good art and what's not. I saw some good art today. It worked. In the midst of the vast spectrum of colours displayed on the trees, none of it seems to clash. I can barely get dressed without one piece of clothing not going well with another. I have a hard time finding two socks that match. But God's creation is different. Every shade of green, every hue of red or orange or yellow works together to make a beautiful piece of art. It's realy quite remarkable.

lovely night ... dancing in the dark and snuggles

What came first? The music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns and watching violent videos, we're scared that some sort of culture of violence is taking them over...But nobody worries about kids listening to thousands -- literally thousands -- of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - high fidelidty


i talked with my friend allison today and our discussion migrated towards relationships, and how for both of us there are guys that we know (have known) that we’ve been interested in, but just not enough to really decide to pursue. But, if we were stranded on an island with 10 other people, yah, we’d probably go for it with that guy. So, what’s stopping us now. (well obviously the fact that we are both in very committed relationships - but before what stopped us?) Choices. And, it’s not a ‘what if he’s not the one’, cause frankly, the idea of the hollywood “the one” seems like a bunch of bullshit. It’s more of a, ‘what if there’s someone else who’s a better match for me’, or ‘he’s just not ____ enough’. Sure, that’s a bit shallow, but who wants to settle, right? Or, are we just afraid of making the wrong choice? at least that was the thread of conversation allison said that she would be the first to admit that if they had both worked at it and were committed to it, any one of her ex-boyfriends could have had a great life together (OK, maybe not every one of them...), but ultimately, for one reason or another, one of them always ended the relationship before getting to that stage.
Lookings at my parent’s generation, and for the most part, people my parent’s age, (that I know), got married in their early/middle 20's to either their highschool sweetheart, or someone they met at college. I think my dad was my mom’s first serious boyfriend. It’s not that they didn’t have as many choices or options as I do, in terms of finding a life partner, I just don’t think they had the philosophy of choice ingrained in them that I do. They made their decision, stuck with it, and have been married (happily and committed, and mostly happily) ever since. Maybe that’s what people refer to as the ‘good old days’.

deep conversation

I had another job interview today, something other than a spa ... yay yay yay! I interviewed for a position as a child caregiver for this family who lives a couple of blocks from me. It would be a wonderful change from this spa place I am working at. A raise, home environment, chatter and comfortable shoes. It just felt like a good fit.
Other embarrasing news ... today at work I sprayed almost the entire spa when my water hose went crazy and became more like an elephant's trunk than anything else, I found lots to laugh about in the situation - doesn't matter that it was mostly nervous laughter, no one else found it that funny. BUT it gets better ... I was shampooing an elderly ladies hair and she sneezed ... her head flew backwards into the sink and I sprayed her eyes. SHIT!
Ahhhhhhhh its the weekend!

I just got back from watching Little Miss Sunshine - it was amazing, very funny in a dark way, there were parts when I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants and snorted my face off, it also made me cry. Go see it.
I think perhaps I am too sensitive for my own good, rather than being confident in my own abilities I am always second guessing myself and then feeling like shit later. Is it normal to do this all the time? I feel as though im going crazy.
Wonderful

I want to give you all the strength I can possibly part with. I want you to recognize your own worth, potential, beauty. Your thoughts are your tool to understanding and giving meaning to the world around you, but don’t let them control you, don’t let them limit you and trap you. Choose to see all the magic around you with enthusiasm. It may take effort, it may take help and time and rough moments, but you can do it. I wish I could reach up and hand-pick a star for you.

So after 5 years of school I am now fully qualified to teach in Ontario, but the kicker is that I can't get a job, so instead I am working in retail and in the spa business - 2 places that I don't really feel I belong. Not to sound like an ass, but I feel over qualified to be helping people find the right accent for their home or giving water and hand massages for people who are paying way too much to get their hair cut. Anyways for now it pays the bills, but still im hoping that something better will come along and soon. Im living in Kingston now, with Tyler and his friend Colin - we have a nice place not too far from the student ghetto and so far its been good. I was so nervous about moving in, but so far the strange, stressful and not so fun moments have been few. Tyler's going to school full time at St. Lawrence taking behavioural science with a focus on autism in children, but he's also working fulltime. Im hoping that we won't become more like roommates than lovers and people in love.